Thursday, 3 January 2008

And Now This Happens!

I wanted to have something to show you from the Beans On Toast Monologues but my attention has been divided between several other writing thingies that have been on my enormous (and very very dusty in places back burner). Let's face it inspiration is such a rare commodity one has to grasp it when it's hovering around the immediate vicinity however divergent it may be to any self imposed schedule (thank God I don't have any deadlines to think about at present).

Below is a snippet from a short story that is quickly turning into a novella called Super - Fluous.

Enjoy;


_____________________________________________________________________

We open with a paradox.

The paradox is this.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing so spirit sappingly mundane than being Captain Amazing.

There is not a single person amongst the living populace whose vocation is less admirable, whose company is less sought after.

If lifts were still necessary to travel directly upwards at speed then most would rather die a slow and terrible death from eating drawing pins in a sulphuric acid coulis than share this small cramped transport vestibule with anyone whose existence is so tragically mundane.

Captain Amazing is a superhero.

But then again who isn’t these days?

I’ll tell you who isn’t. Absolutely no one!

There was a time when the ability to leap into the stratosphere, break the sound barrier at will and shoot beams of pure photon energy through the nostrils carried an air of prestige. Today it’s like walking into a busy barber’s shop wearing an enormous orange toupee.

Superheroes were once Demigod-like figures that walked amongst men. Revered, adored and regarded with hushed awe. People would point up in the sky and scramble amongst themselves to catch a glimpse of the benevolent and majestic figures clad in colourful tights as they soared above them.

But as time passes, genitals collide and genealogy weaves its slow but inevitable patterns amongst the populace the superhuman population rises, then spirals and finally encompasses every man, woman and child on the planet.

Remember that thing about power and responsibility?

Well there comes a time when that stops being a nice little mantra and becomes a piece of iron-clad legislation.

A time when those who wield superhuman powers are legally obliged to behave with heroism that is directly proportionate to their abilities.

The result?

A world so secure, safe and utterly reassuring that everyone is a legally deputised protector with no one but those with the most feeble powers (the power to retain the normal colour of their urine after eating asparagus, for example) to protect.

A world where skulduggery, vice and avarice are so rare their very manufacture is the only black market.

A world where the exceptionally gifted are bound to highly unrealistic government enforced quotas for acts of heroism and opportunities to protect and rescue are so infrequent that the superhero on the street can do the most unscrupulous things in their pursuit.

This is the world inhabited by Captain Amazing.

Bless him!

Friday, 28 December 2007

The Beans On Toast Monologues

Let's face it, there are no original ideas.

So with that in mind I've begun writing a series of short, Alan Bennett style monologues featuring myriad different characters and settings, all revolving around the consumption of Beans on Toast (right now you're probably drawing on Coffee & Cigarettes comparisons. Just fuck right off, okay? I just said there's no such thing as an original idea).

This idea has been born less out of genuine inspiration than the undeniable compulsion just to fucking ACT! in something. Yes, it's partly an experiment in finding out the true extent of my "range" (which I always tell myself is massive), and of course I hope that people will watch and enjoy them but mostly its the creative equivalent of playing with action figures, a mimetic knee jerk rather than an attempt to communicate anything particularly profound to anyone. Perhaps if I were trying to communicate anything profound it would be in the form of a less obviously second hand idea.

I intend to write, act out, film and post one or two these on Youtube or Myspace film or whatever within the next week or so. I have a few ideas for characters kicking around and hopefully if these work out well I'll write some more monologues involving other actors and actresses.

Expect updates soon(ish).

Rest assured I will be pimping the absolute fuck out of them when they get done.


Welcome Back

To Silent Hill.

Chapter 4 of The Mirror In The Basement is now online.

Gush in my general direction......... Now!

Sunday, 16 December 2007

I'm Not Dead (Or Pink)

Just on the off chance that anybody anywhere reads this ever, I'm not not posting on here because of negligence or succumbing to the ever present desire to burrow into my mattress and eschew human contact of any sort forever.

This blog was intended to chronicle my writing and acting work and if truth be known there hasn't been any with teacher training being such a mind body and spirit (and time) sapping process.

My non-posting has been fairly deliberate as I didn't want to fill this blog with sappy "Sorry about all the non posting" gubbins (even though this is exactly what this post is) and so have left it well alone.

I will however have two weeks off at Christmas and I intend to use that time to do a bit of work on the sitcom and all the fan bollocks.

May also be some acting work bubbling to the surface at some point in the future.

Now leave me alone.


..........................

Don't go!

Wednesday, 29 August 2007

Sitcom-Municate

I have an idea for a sitcom. At the moment it is a tiny little protoplasmic germ of an idea that could flower into something beautiful or something utterly unfunny and shit so I'm pitching it to my readership and whether I develop it or not will depend entirely on their (your) feedback!

I was watching a documentary about Spaced and realised that the good thing about Spaced is that it was of its time.
I wondered how I could create something zeitgeisty and it occurred to me that I hardly ever conversed with any of my friends anymore without the aid of some sort of web based intermediary.
Even more tragic was the fact that when I did speak to them it was usually about Myspace and Facebook.

Now obviously I couldn't make an engaging sitcom about an internet forum or social networking site so I came up with the following premise tentatively titled

MMORPG;

Our hero is BEN. BEN works in SALES. Like all good protagonists he is educated, hates his job and he feels he should aspire to be something great but he's not sure what. His only outlet is online gaming where he assumes the persona of a blue armoured knight and mercilessly hacks new players to pieces and hurls colourful INSULTS (which become more elaborate and vivid as the series progresses)at the majority of other gamers. He evidently vents his frustration at work via his online persona though often picks fights in which he is out of his depth resulting in his being beaten, bludgeoned and dismembered in new and exciting ways as the series progresses.

His best (online) friend is SIMON whose online persona is a red robed wizard. Simon lives at home and is more dynamic and amiable than his counterpart. An enterprising and ambitious fellow without the pressure of maintaining a household that BEN endures he fills his days with web based Get Rich Quick schemes. He has a new one every episode and they often collide with his online persona e.g. he runs a gay chat line and accidentally mixes this up with his gaming resultantly telling an evil dragon moster how much he loves rimming while yelling at a horny middle aged closet case to "Die you fat purple pulsating fire breathing bastard!" The program revolves around them going on missions together and hanging out at the virtual pub, overcoming cultural barriers with Americans, arguing over who gets power ups "PICK UP THE CHICKEN, PICK UP THE CHICKEN OH BLOODY HELL IT'S DISAPPEARED NOW!", getting roundly twatted by the evil Black Knight (inevidably a 12 year old fat ginger American boy) and basically learning social graces by being antisocial.

So anyway, that's my premise. What d'you reckon?

Thursday, 23 August 2007

Delicious Surprises and Tempramental Muses

Well now.

You'll have to forgive the fact that I hardly ever update this blog but since I didn't think anyone ever read it and I cover pretty much all the ground I want / need to cover on my Myspace Blog I thought updating here would be slightly pointless.

Not to mention the fact that having two blogs made me feel like a bit of a pretentions twatbox.

Still, having received some compliments on my writing over the last few weeks from people I didn't pay / bribe or extort to view my fiction completely out of the blue in completely unrelated places, it dawned on me that I actually have a following for some sort.

Indeed I have been called a "pretty good writer" by TV's Mr Biffo as well as having the infinitely wonderful Richard Wright subscribing to my blog.

If this is the extent of my fandom then I owe it to them (you) to continue spooning yarns from the convoluted soup kitchen of my mind into your imagination bowls with my literature ladle.

Now there's a metaphor!

Anyway I have some serious projects kicking about as well but I have been working quite a bit on my fan fiction.

In fact I have just added new chapters to The Fallen and Daredevil : Schism which have thus far proven the biggest stumbling blocks for some reason. Particularly the former, for all my adoration of Superman I find him an extraordinarily difficult character to write.

Things are looking up on the acting front too, more about that later.

And with that news I shall love you and leave you

I shall see you all here again much sooner than last time!

Friday, 15 June 2007

Young gifted and pouty

I've replaced the image on this blog with one which makes me look marginally less like a sex offender. Instead I look like the kind of angsty twat who discusses poetry loudly and obnoxiously whilst queing at the bank for an extension on his overdraft.

Which just so happened to be exactly the look I was going for.

I have just now linked this blog to my FF.net profile which means that this blog should hopefully get a little more traffic than the previous, truly Herculean hit count of seven.